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When The Light Burns Out

by Handguns

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1.
Grinding my teeth down to my chin, my self worth is in depletion. Please eat me alive, carve out my heart, gouge out my eyes. Cut me down to size, filet my skin from limb to limb. I’ve lost my shine. Cut me up, cut me up. I’ve lost my touch. Washed up, washed up. Thrown under the bus. Slit my throat and spill all my guts. You wanna keep running your fucking mouth when you don’t got shit to talk about. Well, step up to the plate, take your first swing and knock my fucking teeth out.
2.
Cap Peeler 03:30
I spent this entire year trying to figure out where I went wrong and where my conviction went in writing all these songs. Tried to tell me that I didn’t fit the part, tried tell me that I couldn’t sing, tried to tell me that my words will never add up to anything. Well, I’ve got some breaking news. You don’t mean anything to me. I’m letting go, I’m moving on. I’ll put my faith back in the place, been gone too long. So let me know when you prove me wrong. I’ll still be here in the same place with all these songs. I gace up all I had and now I want it back; the time I wasted saving face and the confidence that I now lack. Take your shitty record deals and throw away the sex appeal. Uncross your fingers and walk away to burn yourself at the stake. Pave the way, leave the porch light on, I’ve been anywhere but home for too long. I still refuse to bite my tongue even If I’m hated by my loved ones. Life lessons in disenchantment, when the light burns out, I’ll set a fire to my heart.
3.
Night before last, I painted your picture, it looked a hell of a lot like Satan. Last night I drank all the pitchers, woke up sleeping in your basement. This morning: blood on my teeth. I’m aware like a wolf, the fear, I can taste it. Tonight it’s an eye for an eye leaving everyone blind with funeral faces. Hanging on by a thread, suspended over the ledge. Staring down an Immeasurable lake too deep to reach the dredge. Hanging on by a thread, I know I’ll never see you again. With every single song I hear, I’m brought back to when we were kids. I found out at 5 AM that I lost my love, my only friend, my second wind, now I can’t breathe no thanks to him. Frozen ghosts in fallen snow, they turn to angel’s after glow, I’ll use that light to guide me home. I’m gonna sink my teeth into you, it’s a full moon. You better pray I don’t find you. I’m gonna slit your throat like a tire you liar, you better pray I don’t find you.
4.
We all get lost in our mid to late twenties. Acknowledging that nothing is ever good as what It seems. Accepting the notion that things will get better, but I beg to differ. The floor fell from beneath me, so I made a new basement. There’s nothing to lay on, so I keep my eyes open. There’s ghosts all around me, demons in my head. This life’s a fucking nightmare, will it ever fucking end? I thought I was just in a bad mood, I realize now it’s just always been you. Won’t sing along to your siren song. Thought your hope was a beacon, but it burnt out like a bulb. No, I won’t sink, I’ll drift along, and if I capsize, I’ll spew saltwater from my own lungs. I put my trust in this, was it all on vein? We’ll go up in smoke, you’ll go down in flame. I never said that this house wasn’t haunted, cold spots cut like mornings in autumn. I never double back on a promise, you’re a leech with teeth like broken bottles. Won’t sing a long to your siren songs, your hope was just a beacon that burnt out like a light bulb and I won’t sink, I’ll drift a long and if I capsize, I’ll kick, scream, tread water until I’m gone. I won’t sing a long to the same song that led me on.
5.
Do you think of me when you’re all alone? And your boyfriends home, checking messages on his phone. I know you lie awake in the mess you make. I’m the patron saint of the betrayed and you’re nothing but a fucking phase. You’ve always hung this over my head, so I’m giving it back, placing this on your doorstep. We both knew this would come to an end, so let’s not pretend that we never saw it coming. Do you think of May? Or the Grand Mariner? When we sat all day in a Summer haze, sipping on shit champagne. Drinking down our problems cause we’re never gonna solve them now. So we’ll just keep drinking down, cause our problems won’t solve themselves. Yeah, we’ll just keep drinking down everything we never talked about, drown out. A sip of deceit, a bottle of lies, a shot of the truth, smoother than wine. Tequila and lime, glazed over eyes, passed out at the wheel on the drunkest of drives.
6.
Please tell me that you’ll stay, that everything will be okay. I wish it was easy to explain, why I feel this way. Hold me till the shaking stops, untie my stomach now, it’s tangled up in knots. Watch me as I come undone. My sanity’s under the gun. I’ll just keep salting the wound until it starts to consume everything that I once knew disappeared with my youth. Still running in circles, searching for the truth. The pounding in my head wont stop, my heartbeat wont let up and I’m afraid to fall asleep cause there’s a chance I wont wake up. There’s gotta be a better way to face the demons in my brain instead of letting them become my ball and chain.
7.
Tonight I felt it creeping on me. Coming from the corners and keeping me from sleep. I’m not getting any younger, the worlds not spinning any slower, soon enough I’ll be gone. So when my heart stops beating and if my lungs collapse from screaming, there’ll be no more songs about being in a washed up punk band. I’ve been running for so long, there’s only air left in my lungs. Never said I wasn’t strong. Buried in a shallow grave, staring death down in the face, dig myself out in light of better days. I’d be lying if I told you that I didn’t think about this every hour, every minute, every second of the day. A roll of the dice, a slip of the tongue. I keep playing with fire, I love getting stung, so burn me and crucify me. Is it worth it to you if you got nothing left lose and there’s nothing left to prove? Best described as bittersweet, don’t let death know I’m gonna cheat, all my fingers crossed as I repeat. Bare knuckles on the concrete. Clothes soaked through with gasoline, promise I wont cry or scream. Strike the blaze that takes me own life just so you can feel the warmth and see the light.
8.
We set sail against the wind. Fail waves, rise, falls, fallacies. Murky water, I bet they’d never find me or spin the search lights for me. The fire in my eyes never faded out. The voices in my head pulled me through the doubt. The sky is painted black, I’m drowning in a drought. The light above my head is a supernova. Not trying to live extraordinary lives, we’ll just scrape by. Conquer the whole world, that’s well and fine. We will just scrape by. You might have bought it but you don’t own it, you never cared to question the motive. Kicking down doors and taking it back. You work, you could slave, no matter what, death still gets payed. You could parish or you could thrive. Flip the coin to see which side
9.
No Panic 01:09
Spinning like a dead rat on its wheel. Under the influence, we carry concealed. Dying to crop out the angst that we feel. Quarter life crisis, now we crack and we peel. Pack it up, pick it up and throw it all away. Pick it up, pack it up and smoke it all away.
10.
Burn Eternal 04:09
Born in the later September heat, the years started catching up to me. You never thought I’d make it through 2016. Sleepless nights and endless days, placing in my own death race. You know I’m craving failure’s taste. I drove past my old high school tonight and thought about all the times that we would risk our lives, didn’t care if we survived. Now the changing seasons pass me by, I can feel the bags under my eyes but they won’t drag me down, unless I’m six feet underground. I’m not afraid anymore of the demons lingering inside my closet door. Out of all that I’ve done, and all that I’ve seen, I finally know what’s important to me. So if I die tonight, bury me at sea. Engulf me in flames, let me burn eternally. Wearing my mistakes embedded on my sleeves. You’re gonna have to fucking behead me to fucking make me leave. I won’t give up easily, douse my house in kerosene. Reaper take my hand and lead me to your guillotine. As the mob cheers and screams, don’t cry and don’t fucking pray for me. When the light burns out that led me home, I’ll still have somewhere left to go. When the weight of the world’s too much to hold, I’ll grab the reaper by throat and make sure that son of a bitch will choke. If it wasn’t for you, I’d be asleep by now. If it wasn’t for you, I’d throw in the towel. I won’t kick the chair and hang right from my throat. Without a call for a help or a suicide note, coroners report would read “Death Unknown”. You’ll find an empty house cause nobody is home.

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released January 1, 2020

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